The Naming of Things

My birth name is William Tocher VII. The Seventh. It's like I'm royalty. My mom hated the names William, Bill, Willy, and so forth. The only abbreviation of William she liked was Liam, but my dad thought that was sissy. So, my mom said that dad could name me whatever he wanted, but that she was just going to call me something else.

She was pregnant with me during the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. I was born on September 1st, so you gotta figure she was VERY pregnant with me during the games. There was a track and field star from England (of Nigerian decent; a brother) that won the gold medal in the Decathlon. His name was Adodele Thompson, but he went by 'Dele' for short (quickly changed to Daley, the common English/Irish surname). Daley Thompson. My mom thought he was cute, so she decided to call me Daley. Daley Thompson had a giant moustache.

When I was born, my dad filled out the birth certificate. My mom was too busy giving birth. He filled it out as William Tocher VII. A few weeks later, when my mom was filling out my Social Security papers, she filled them out as Daley Tocher. I can only surmise that they were in a fight at the time. I worked out the legal discrepancy some years later, and subsequently have two Social Security cards.

Before I was born, when my parents were arguing about what to call me, my dad said he wanted to name me after the first San Francisco 49er to score a touchdown of the 1984-85 season. He has told me in retrospect that he's glad he didn't, because my name would have been Ronaldo Nehemiah Tocher. As it turns out, I was named after a different black athlete, but "Daley" fits me a bit better than "Ronaldo Nehemiah".

Apparently Tocher isn't a very desirable surname. I've asked my girlfriend Katherine Elizabeth "Kate" Rascoe if she would take on my last name if we got married. "Kate Rascoe sounds so much better than Kate Tocher, plus, I'm trying to have a recognizable name for my career, and changing it would make me kinda have to start anew in making a name for myself," she said. However, she has told me that were we to get married, she would love to take my "VII" from the end of my name. Kate 7.

People always asked me if I was planning on naming my first son William Tocher VIII. I always said, "I dunno. I'll figure it out when I knock someone up." Well, last year I had that decision made for me. I was prepping for my summer as a wandering tramp in Europe. I had very little money, and tried to trade some of my material possessions to friends for stuff I actually needed. I was all set to go. The only thing I still needed was a lightweight jacket. My friend Brett had the PERFECT jacket. But he didn't want anything I had for trade. I had no money to offer. We were at a standoff. That is, until I offered to name my firstborn (boy or girl) Brett Tocher in exchange for the jacket. We shook on it. Side note: Brett's nickname is Brett Boy. He dated a girl named Brett. Her nickname? Brett Girl. That sort of gave me the comfort to call my firstborn Brett regardless of gender.

If I have more than one kid, I want to name all the other bastard children after cities. Think Paris Hilton, or the rather common name Austin, or how celebrity parents name their kids after the cities they were conceived in (which is the naming version of getting a funny tattoo while drunk; that shit lasts forever). Any suggestions for good cities to name your kids after? I would name my boys Dallas, Tucson, Tulsa, Lexington, Durham, and that's just American cities.